Have You Ever Been Horrified by Your Own Thoughts?

Have you ever been horrified by your own thoughts?

Have you ever had a thought so awful you immediately questioned your sanity for even having it? Something so horrible you couldn't believe your brain went there in the first place?

I'm asking because holy sh*t, I have!

Earlier this week, our sweet boy Marley's adorable sister was brutally and tragically murdered by another dog. She looked so much like Mar, which was rare for this litter (you've seen his brother, Toby in prior posts). Our hearts are absolutely shattered for her family and fur family. I cannot begin to imagine what they are going through, and I wish more than anything they weren't going through it at all. 💔

After hearing the details of what happened, I found myself doing something I still feel sick about admitting. I started having nightmares about the same thing happening to Marley. I'm not talking about some vague, fleeting "what if something bad happened?" kind of way. I'm saying my brain went straight to a vivid horrifying scene involving our neighbor's dog, who HATES Marley and is much bigger, stronger, and more than capable of hurting him. I could practically see it happening, and the images were unbearable. I woke up crying - twice.

I have no idea why my mind decided to take an already devastating situation and make it so painfully personal. Maybe it's because Mar and his sister looked so much alike. Maybe because the circumstances felt uncomfortably similar to a situation right next door. Maybe the empathy I was feeling for my friends was so strong, I internalized it and it went way too far. Maybe because once you hear about something terrible happening to someone you love, or someone who reminds you of someone you love, your brain starts doing some seriously messed up shit.

Whatever the reason, I could not get the images out of my head...and now they are still keeping me up at night. I love my doggo an unreasonable amount, probably, although I'm guessing anyone who loves their pets understands exactly what I mean. He is my sweet snuggly boy, and the thought of anything happening to him is unbearable. Sooo now I toss and turn at night, worrying about his safety, replaying this awful scenario over and over, and feeling genuine fear about something that hasn't happened. Something I MADE UP IN MY OWN HEAD.

This makes me so mad at myself, and it makes me feel unconscionably guilty because this actually DID happen to my dear friend and her dog. 😭

SHANNA!!!!!!!!! WTF is WRONG with you!?!?! Why would you imagine something so horrible? Why would you even allow your brain to go there? Why would you put something like that out into the universe? Why would you make someone else's tragedy your own?

I was already heartbroken over what happened to Mar's sis, already terrified by the thought of something similar happening to him...and now I was adding guilt, shame, and a whole mess of self-directed anger to an emotional situation that was plenty awful without my brain producing its own horror movie that runs every time I close my eyes.

What the actual F?!?!

I've since learned there is a name for this sort of thing (because I went deep down this rabbit hole). Intrusive thoughts. These are unwanted thoughts or mental images that show up uninvited, often involving things we find deeply disturbing. Apparently, our brains are perfectly capable of imagining things we would NEVER want to happen, sometimes precisely because they're the things we fear so much.

I find it a little comforting to know there is a name for this disturbing human behavior, except I'd really appreciate it if my brain could find less traumatizing ways to express concern.

The craziest part is how quickly I went from feeling heartbroken for my friend to terrified for Marley to ashamed of myself. As thought imagining something awful meant I had somehow invited it into the world. I felt as if the thought itself meant I'm a terrible person.

Logically, I know it doesn't work like that. Thinking about a tragedy doesn't cause one. Imagining something doesn't mean you want it to happen. Having a horrible thought certainly doesn't make me a horrible person (I hope). However, emotions don't give a damn about logic and my emotions are in olympic overdrive.

I cannot imagine I'm the only person who ever pictured something terrible happening to someone they love. I can't be the only person who imagined an accident, an illness, a loss, or some other nightmare so vividly it left them shaken. I wonder how many of us have felt ashamed to admit it because we are afraid someone will think we are disturbed for even having the thought.

I almost didn't write about this for that reason - but I need sleep and getting my thoughts out is how I put my brain to bed.

I'm probably still going to struggle to shake the images. I'm still going to lose some sleep over them. Most of all, I am still absolutely devastated for Marley's sister and the people who loved her. 💔😭💔 Furthermore, I am going to be more vigilant than ever about keeping Marley safe around the dog next door. He never lets me pee alone - and now is the best time for me to repay that attentiveness.

The thing I am, however, trying not to do is beat myself up for something my brain imagined without my permission.

PLEASE tell me I'm not alone in this! Have you ever had a thought so horrible you felt ashamed of yourself for thinking it? Has there ever been something you couldn't get out of your head, even though you desperately wanted to do so? If you have, I suspect we would both feel a little less crazy knowing we are not alone.

To Poppi's family: I am so, so, SO sorry this happened to you and your sweet girl! I wish there were words big enough for what you've lost. There simply are not. We are heartbroken with you...and Marley is here to love on you whenever you need him. 💔